So You Want to be On TV?
So you want to be on TV?
Who can blame you - it's a great marketing tool, and it's a wide audience base. Oh sure you'll have to make sacrifices to your act and integrity - remember that joke about your having sex with your cousin when the two of you were just kids (read: 22), well that's out, and don't even try to make a dead baby joke because there is no way that Leno is putting that on the air. You really think that the act which has drawn crowds to the clubs for you is what will make you a star? Sorry folks, the world of comedy doesn't work that way - all you have to do is watch Comedy Central for a few hours to realize that there is a certain formula you're going to have to follow, if you want to be on TV.
As a public service to you, your old friend Joe wants to pass off a few tips that I've picked up through the years which will turn that solid half hour set at a sold out Caroline's, into a miserable cookie cutter forty five minutes on Comedy Central Presents. So without further ado here is your first lesson from your friends at Tragic Laughter:
President Bush
If you don't have at least 10 minutes dedicated to President Bush in your act you might as well slit your wrist right now because there isn't a television executive on the planet who wants to put you on the air. The man has been the President of the United States for eight long years and there isn't a talking head on any of the 200 channels that I have in my house right now that isn't talking about how our President is stupid/inept/incompetent/foolish or simply retarded.
You're going to want to point out some of the most obvious points about President Bush which will endear you to all of the uptight white television executives who think that they're high and mighty because they drive a Prius and recycle their own urine to make coffee. The best way to highlight your comedy chops is to refer to the President's mismanagement of 9/11 - you can talk about how dumbfounded he looked in that room with all the children, or how he flew around in Air Force One all afternoon without taking any action. This approach gives you a lot of cache because it'll show how fearless you are by making reference to 9/11, and also show how smart you are by making fun of the President.
But maybe you don't make good yelling sounds to imitate a terrorist, that is a must if you're going to talk about 9/11 on television. You'll also want to sound like Apu from The Simpson's even though he's a Hindu from India and the terrorists are Muslims from Afghanistan, frankly the difference doesn't mean much to the people you're trying to impress. Funny is funny after all. So instead of a 9/11 joke maybe you can talk about the President and his brush cutting down at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
If you're Demetri Martin or one of those "comedians" who uses props or video screens this would be the perfect opportunity to insert a YouTube clip of the President clearing brush. Naturally this kills about three birds with one stone as you will be making fun of the President, people from the South who still farm, and making use of YouTube so that the kids will realize how down to earth and cool you are. There is almost nobody making decisions about who should be on television that could resist a triple threat of this magnitude. If I might give you some advice perhaps you could put on a funny Southern accent and talk about all this brush being like terrorists, you keep fighting it back but just when you think you've got the whole situation licked there is more brush coming over the hills. You might think this sounds like an unfunny bore but trust me it's actually the funniest thing you have ever said.
It's probably best for me to pause here for a second and reassure you that even though you think that all of this material has been used before, and has been on television before - you shouldn't worry. Television people don't care about being original, or unique, they'd much rather put someone on television who is both boring and cliché. For whatever reason television executives believe that jokes about the President and how terrible he has been are both new and edgy when neither of those things could be further from the truth. Just keep telling yourself - getting on TV isn't about being funny, it's about seeming to be funny to a very small select group of old white men.
Another great way to polish up your set about President Bush is to talk about the people who still think he's been doing a good job. Did you realize that 29% of the country still think positive of the work that President Bush has done? I mean what is wrong with these people? This might seem like a risky bit but don't worry, your comedy special will be taped in New York, Boston, Los Angeles, or San Fransisco so none of those 29% will be in the audience when you're telling this joke. You will absolutely want to talk about how those inbred hicks must not have cable, or newspapers, or the internet with DailyKos, and Moveon.org to check in on how bad the President has been mismanaging the country. Might I suggest another Southern accent, but don't make it too close to Jeff Foxworthy, or Larry the Cable Guy because then you'll cross into a zone that television executives hate - offending comedians with huge audiences for no apparent reason. You might want to keep this in mind if you find yourself starting to want to rip into Dane Cook.
By now your big break has turned into an agonizing jaunt through material that stopped being funny when Carlin was doing it about Ronald Reagan thirty years ago, but the television suits will be eating it up. This is your chance to go in for the kill, and assure yourself a second Comedy Central Presents. It's time to wrap the entire set up with some patriotic words about how you love this country, and how this dumb hick has made you the butt of all the world's jokes. You want to slow down your speech and tell everyone that the only good thing to come out of the Presidency was that George Bush wasn't able to circumvent the Constitution enough to ensure that he'd be able to remain President for life. At this point you can talk about this being the best country in the world, because in other countries people would take to the streets with machetes to chop his head off before his term ended, then pause, smile into the camera, and say -- I guess it isn't November yet.
Can you feel the douche chills now? Your live audience will be going crazy at this point as your leave the stage to a thunderous applause and your individuality and pride sufficiency swallowed like you were a seventeen year old girl on prom night. Now you might find yourself asking - is it worth it? I guess that's a question you need to struggle with. All I'm here to do is give you the path towards television awfulness, the next time I'll provide you some tips on how to get a regular spot on one of those horrible VH1 clip shows.
Who can blame you - it's a great marketing tool, and it's a wide audience base. Oh sure you'll have to make sacrifices to your act and integrity - remember that joke about your having sex with your cousin when the two of you were just kids (read: 22), well that's out, and don't even try to make a dead baby joke because there is no way that Leno is putting that on the air. You really think that the act which has drawn crowds to the clubs for you is what will make you a star? Sorry folks, the world of comedy doesn't work that way - all you have to do is watch Comedy Central for a few hours to realize that there is a certain formula you're going to have to follow, if you want to be on TV.
As a public service to you, your old friend Joe wants to pass off a few tips that I've picked up through the years which will turn that solid half hour set at a sold out Caroline's, into a miserable cookie cutter forty five minutes on Comedy Central Presents. So without further ado here is your first lesson from your friends at Tragic Laughter:
President Bush
If you don't have at least 10 minutes dedicated to President Bush in your act you might as well slit your wrist right now because there isn't a television executive on the planet who wants to put you on the air. The man has been the President of the United States for eight long years and there isn't a talking head on any of the 200 channels that I have in my house right now that isn't talking about how our President is stupid/inept/incompetent/foolish or simply retarded.
You're going to want to point out some of the most obvious points about President Bush which will endear you to all of the uptight white television executives who think that they're high and mighty because they drive a Prius and recycle their own urine to make coffee. The best way to highlight your comedy chops is to refer to the President's mismanagement of 9/11 - you can talk about how dumbfounded he looked in that room with all the children, or how he flew around in Air Force One all afternoon without taking any action. This approach gives you a lot of cache because it'll show how fearless you are by making reference to 9/11, and also show how smart you are by making fun of the President.
But maybe you don't make good yelling sounds to imitate a terrorist, that is a must if you're going to talk about 9/11 on television. You'll also want to sound like Apu from The Simpson's even though he's a Hindu from India and the terrorists are Muslims from Afghanistan, frankly the difference doesn't mean much to the people you're trying to impress. Funny is funny after all. So instead of a 9/11 joke maybe you can talk about the President and his brush cutting down at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.
If you're Demetri Martin or one of those "comedians" who uses props or video screens this would be the perfect opportunity to insert a YouTube clip of the President clearing brush. Naturally this kills about three birds with one stone as you will be making fun of the President, people from the South who still farm, and making use of YouTube so that the kids will realize how down to earth and cool you are. There is almost nobody making decisions about who should be on television that could resist a triple threat of this magnitude. If I might give you some advice perhaps you could put on a funny Southern accent and talk about all this brush being like terrorists, you keep fighting it back but just when you think you've got the whole situation licked there is more brush coming over the hills. You might think this sounds like an unfunny bore but trust me it's actually the funniest thing you have ever said.
It's probably best for me to pause here for a second and reassure you that even though you think that all of this material has been used before, and has been on television before - you shouldn't worry. Television people don't care about being original, or unique, they'd much rather put someone on television who is both boring and cliché. For whatever reason television executives believe that jokes about the President and how terrible he has been are both new and edgy when neither of those things could be further from the truth. Just keep telling yourself - getting on TV isn't about being funny, it's about seeming to be funny to a very small select group of old white men.
Another great way to polish up your set about President Bush is to talk about the people who still think he's been doing a good job. Did you realize that 29% of the country still think positive of the work that President Bush has done? I mean what is wrong with these people? This might seem like a risky bit but don't worry, your comedy special will be taped in New York, Boston, Los Angeles, or San Fransisco so none of those 29% will be in the audience when you're telling this joke. You will absolutely want to talk about how those inbred hicks must not have cable, or newspapers, or the internet with DailyKos, and Moveon.org to check in on how bad the President has been mismanaging the country. Might I suggest another Southern accent, but don't make it too close to Jeff Foxworthy, or Larry the Cable Guy because then you'll cross into a zone that television executives hate - offending comedians with huge audiences for no apparent reason. You might want to keep this in mind if you find yourself starting to want to rip into Dane Cook.
By now your big break has turned into an agonizing jaunt through material that stopped being funny when Carlin was doing it about Ronald Reagan thirty years ago, but the television suits will be eating it up. This is your chance to go in for the kill, and assure yourself a second Comedy Central Presents. It's time to wrap the entire set up with some patriotic words about how you love this country, and how this dumb hick has made you the butt of all the world's jokes. You want to slow down your speech and tell everyone that the only good thing to come out of the Presidency was that George Bush wasn't able to circumvent the Constitution enough to ensure that he'd be able to remain President for life. At this point you can talk about this being the best country in the world, because in other countries people would take to the streets with machetes to chop his head off before his term ended, then pause, smile into the camera, and say -- I guess it isn't November yet.
Can you feel the douche chills now? Your live audience will be going crazy at this point as your leave the stage to a thunderous applause and your individuality and pride sufficiency swallowed like you were a seventeen year old girl on prom night. Now you might find yourself asking - is it worth it? I guess that's a question you need to struggle with. All I'm here to do is give you the path towards television awfulness, the next time I'll provide you some tips on how to get a regular spot on one of those horrible VH1 clip shows.
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